Aside

Where to begin?

19 Apr

Okay. Where do I even start? So much has happened since I last talked to you guys. A lot.

Let’s see…

I’m trying so much to get back on the bandwagon guys. To be fit, lean, healthy, and a total BAMF!

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I haven’t ran in a while. Since last Friday and that was tough.

In general, I haven’t ran continuously since December. I’m sorry!

I barely work out anymore. No motivation to whatsoever. Tonight I started crying though because I was looking at old photos of myself and how skinny I was. I want that back.

I have been seeing a counselor because that whole eating disorder is always in the back of mind and it affects everything. I get so stressed out at work, I don’t eat, I worry too much, I get really overwhelmed, I don’t eat again, and it’s never ending. It’s good in a sense because I was eating really badly and I do need to be thin again.

I started eating meat again and I hate myself for it. I just ate badly in general. I would never eat hot Cheetos yet I was buying them all the time? What the hell is wrong with me? I hate myself for smoking cigarettes! Onion rings, fries, burgers, chicken nuggets, pizza, meat lovers, extra cheese, Ramen, cookies. I would do like a continuous binge and then beat myself up over it.

I think I just finally gave into my really old ways. Yeah, I would workout, but now I stopped. Mostly because I am way too tired because I don’t sleep, eat that much, and I’m just stressed. I get home from a long day at work and just want to sleep. I sleep all day on Sunday sometimes. (I did lose five pounds.)

The counselor said I was depressed, which does explain why I have no motivation for anything and no self esteem.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m okay and I have a huge social life.

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I would rather be alone. Like I use to be. By myself, running whenever, going to sleep whenever, and just doing what I want.

Balance is the key word here. It really is. But back home I barely had any friends and I was great! Skinny, ran all the time, did what I wanted, and had a good time being with my own company. There is nothing wrong with it.

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Truthfully, I want to be my own person again. If that means being the tattoo loving, coffee lover, crazy runner girl, dresses in all black, hipster person, then so be it! I want that back!

I can still be the nicest girl in these barracks as well as the weirdest (I got like three people in one day to say I’m weird)

I can still drink on a Saturday night.

Nonetheless, my main point is I’m going back to my old ways. No more skipping workouts and sleeping in. Time to put myself first, be happy for who I really am, and not get involved with so many friends who does do shit.

Trust me, I will have more posts about what’s going on with myself and the absurd funk that I am.

What do you want to know from me? What do you want me to tell you about what’s going on? Just ask. I totally want to answer.

 

 

 

 

 

I’M SO HAPPY TO BE BACK, GUYS. I REALLY AM. PLEASE ACCEPT MY WEIRDNESS ONCE MORE.

7 Responses to “Where to begin?”

  1. HollieisFueledByLOLZ April 19, 2013 at 6:40 AM #

    I’m really glad to see you blogging before Monday. You know you can text me anytime and I can only imagine how STRESSFUL it is over there. What people don’t realize who in the US is how busy you constantly are. You inspire me whether you know it or not (mostly facebooking creeping on you…no big deal). I can’t wait to see you running again, and working out.

    I think you should start posting weekly small goals just so that you can hold yourself accountable. And get a dailymile (obviously). And come back to the US. Do you have any plans or idea the next time you’ll be in the US?

    • lifttorun April 19, 2013 at 7:02 AM #

      I’ll be in the US in June 2014. Hopefully I can take leave in a few months though and go back home.

  2. Kathleen April 19, 2013 at 7:01 AM #

    I’m glad you’re back. :) I know you can find that balance with yourself again — I believe in you. :)

  3. dorseyml April 19, 2013 at 10:25 AM #

    Glad you are back! You were the first person I started following when I joined wordpress!

  4. Tara April 19, 2013 at 3:21 PM #

    Good to hear from you!! I haven’t worked out in ages either and my eating (and drinking) habits have gotten a lot worse, and I really want to get back into it too. I miss being a dedicated runner and an overall healthy person! So you’re not alone!

  5. Rachel April 28, 2013 at 7:46 PM #

    oh my gosh. this is literally like you just wrote my life story. i emailed you a long time ago when I was considering enlisting and decided against it but THIS right here is exactly everything that has been happening, including trying to get back on the wagon once you take a long look at yourself. It is hard when you look back on the life you had before and think like, I was so healthy, so lean, woke up so early to run, and I think like, wow that was so awesome, but I was also sacrificing a lot socially to do that but at the time I didn’t realize it. As I let a lot of my healthy habits fall to the wayside, I did get a lot more social, but I also developed a total lack of regard for being healthy. Skipping workouts, eating junk, smoking cigarettes, drinking, sleeping in, staying up late, etc etc. I realized that getting back on “the wagon” is so much harder when you are LOATHING yourself for your changed lifestyle though. I had to work really hard in counseling to realize that literally my worth hasn’t budged as a human being or a woman ONE BIT because I let those habits go. Even my grades were slipping and it takes SELF LOVE even when you feel the opposite and SMALL GOALS to get back into the health game for all the right reasons. I’d love to get back in touch and I’ll be thinking of you and your battle as well!

  6. deangump May 1, 2013 at 4:28 AM #

    I’m sorry you were going through such a rough time. I understand what you mean by getting stressed and then not eating, I’ve been doing that a lot lately. I’ve also not been working out and I’ve stopped eating right. Yesterday, I made the executive decision that I needed to hop back on the bandwagon so to speak.
    So I’m right there with you in getting back on track. We can do this TOGETHER!

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