Lost

19 Jun

I feel so lost. I feel like a follower and I don’t know what to do.

I’ve stopped running, working out, and doing what I love. I’ve lost all motivation.

It’s difficult to say what’s going on. I’m seriously depressed. I’m being so blunt and I apologize for it, but I’ve never shared this on the blog before. 1) I cut. 2) I starve and binge and I try to purge 3) I have been sexually assaulted twice months and months ago; just never shared it here.  4) I smoke 5) I drink

I don’t know what to do. I do see a therapist, but I just want my love for running to come back! I have a feeling once I get back to the states where I belong, I will get back into my old ways. Here, I am exhausted all the time. Literally all the time. I still read your blogs, but I feel like such a fake that I don’t want to write on my mine. Instead I write poetry.

I’m lost, guys.

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11 Responses to “Lost”

  1. resiliencesc June 19, 2013 at 5:08 PM #

    From one Marine to another, report the assaults. That shit should NEVER go unpunished.

    People are here to talk to, reach out.

  2. t June 19, 2013 at 5:11 PM #

    I want you to know that I care about you. I always love you blog and you seem like such a great person whom I would love to know in real life. I’m sure life feels incredibly tough right now. When are you coming back to the states? Please don’t feel like a follower- I love the fact that you are your own person and seem to have a great sense of self. Please keep the faith and take care of yourself. We are all out here rooting for you!

  3. lifehealthbeauty June 19, 2013 at 7:01 PM #

    You are so much more. You can be strong and you can find your love for running again. While you may return back to your “old self” when you get back to the states, please don’t spend a year feeling like you do now. Let yourself feel happy. Relax and realize that you are important and deserve to do what you love. I agree that the assaults should be reported. Also, please do not beat yourself up. No one is perfect. We all go through times where we feel low and hollow. Life will never present challenges that we can not overcome. One of my favorite quotes is “You haven’t failed until you quit trying.” Gordon B. Hinckley. If you want it, your desire for running will come back. In the mean time, don’t get down on yourself for not feeling like running or working out. Most of all, never give up.

  4. Emily June 19, 2013 at 9:17 PM #

    I used to read your blog years ago and still check back every once in a while to see if you’ve happened to post anything. First of all, I’m sorry for the things you’ve experienced and the way you’re feeling. I know that doesn’t help AT ALL right now but try to remember that you have a lot of people rooting for you. Happiness is within your reach, I promise you that. I’ve dealt with almost all of the things you mentioned above and overcoming the depression seems absolutely impossible but it’s not. It’s a matter of finding happiness within yourself- not from food, running, money, a job, a person, etc. Those things are temporary and, more often than not, let us down.
    You’re one of the strongest girls I’ve ever followed in the blog world and I know you’re stronger enough to take control and find the vibrant girl you once were.
    Sending positive vibes your way.

    • Emily June 19, 2013 at 9:18 PM #

      strong enough*

  5. lslclr June 20, 2013 at 6:42 AM #

    thank you for being so honest. i hope you find your way back to your love of running, and i hope your love of life follows suit!

  6. allieksmith June 20, 2013 at 1:07 PM #

    Hey Christy! I am so sorry for what you’ve been through and what you’re going through. I wish their was something I could do. I have always loved reading your blog because of your honesty, and I still do. It takes a lot of courage to be fully open like you are, and I really respect that. I know you are one tough chick, and you CAN get through this. I’m cheering for you!

  7. deangump June 26, 2013 at 6:33 AM #

    1. you aren’t a fake, just because you are taking a break doesn’t mean anything. 2. drinking is normal- i can tell you if you look at a post of mine from a few weeks back I can tell you I completely understand a couple points you’ve made about the throwing up and drinking. 3. Sexual assaults- report it, seriously and if you need support/to talk. I’m here..
    Also, don’t force yourself to run or workout. I just took a few weeks off because I didn’t feel like doing it and I have to say I feel all the more better because of it. Now I acutally want to do it because I didn’t force myself to do it when I didn’t want to if that makes sense.

  8. lucy December 8, 2013 at 11:56 PM #

    are you okay? Your facebook has gone too :(

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