Not even going to say anything besides…
Something has been bothering me lately. By lately, I mean in the past two days. And by bothering, I mean what’s new? Isn’t something always bothering me?
Someone asked me if I had any friends, and that exercise equipment doesn’t count.
I really wish I had a reason as to why that bothered me so much. It really hit me because I have been thinking about it for a day now.
In high school, I didn’t have that many friends. I like being by myself. Junior year I met some of my best friends, but they were a year older than me so that meant they graduated before I did. Senior year I was rather friendless despite being on the cross-country team. I ate lunch by myself and I didn’t mind. I would go to the gym by myself and then go home to my mom, my true friend. Even after high school, I didn’t have too many friends. I ran, worked, and stayed at home. That’s just the type of person I am. I have no problem being by myself .
Truth is, I know I isolate myself from people. I put my workout first then hang out with people. Am I wrong? No. I like working out. I like running. Running makes me happy so I’m going to do that first. Besides, running is the one thing you can do by yourself and be with your mind. I love that. I love thinking about everything, anything, and sometimes nothing. Sometimes I think about conversations I want to have with people, but never do. Sometimes I think about garlic bread or how much I was cheese sticks.
On the other hand, I have friends now. I don’t have any girl friends per se, but all my friends are guys. I like it. I met some awesome people here in Japan that I share the same interest with (excluding working out). It gets tough sometimes when I would like to talk about certain things like feelings (ewww) and I’m just surrounded by guys. But that’s why I work out. Does that make me a loner or a weird person? Maybe. Maybe I am socially awkward (I was called that too).
I don’t think there is anything wrong with having a few friends. I also don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting to be by yourself. Learning to like your own company, the silence, and being by yourself is a positive thing. Of course there is a line where being by yourself too much is a problem. Perhaps people see me like that.
Yet, why don’t people say anything about Olympic athletes or elite runners? They put their workout first all the time. Their career, their life is their sport. I’ll be the crazy one and say running is my life. Why can’t I just run without someone commenting about how much I workout, how I only eat salads, and how I have no friends? No one says anything about professional athletes. They give up so much – IE friends – to be amazing. What’s wrong with that? Nothing. I would do that any day of the week. Running is never going to stab me in the back. It may give me a stress fracture, but that’s my own dam fault.
I really don’t see the problem with putting friends second. Yes, being around others is great, but I’m shy. I am strange. I am the biggest goof ball around. I get social anxiety. So what? I don’t care about partying or going out drinking. I like being at the gym or watching 30 Rock in my room. I enjoy that. I love reading. I’m a nerd.
Obviously,as you can tell, the comment about having no friends bothered me. I don’t like to think that I am a huge loner, although I come across that way. I turn down more requests to go ‘party’ and drink than turning down a cookie.
This reminds me of the video hungryrunnergirl posted…
Check it out. So amazing. I want this to be my life. Call my crazy.
Anyway, that is what grins my gears.
And this is what I have been noshing on…
That’s all I have to say.
I have a rather serious post I want to enclose. So much for my happy news, right? I’ll just give away my whole life story while I’m at it.
The main reason I started running is because I was severly depressed. In high school, my uncle committed suicide, my grandmother died, my dog died, I wasn’t getting along with my mother, and high school was a difficult transition for me. I attempted the S word three times. I even wrote a notes about it. That’s how my mom found out. In the summer she got me involved with kickboxing. Of course I loved it. I am a born athlete. I love exercise. However, I was still depressed and not as happy.
The next summer I was alone. I was about to be a senior in high school and all my friends who were older than me already graduated. That’s when I started running. That’s when I felt free, I loved life, and I could think. I didn’t even time myself in the beginning. I just ran until I stopped thinking or I felt better about the day. Yes, that evenutally led into an eating disorder, but that isn’t the point. I ran to free myself from depression. It actually makes me cry when I think about it. I love running that much.
Since arriving in Japan, I got the chance to run three times. Three times, man. I would have gone to the gym when I got off of work at six PM (after being up since three AM), but they won’t let me because of a damn typhoon. It’s not even here! And the gym is next to my barracks. I hate it.
Not being able to run makes me extremely depressed. Some may call it an exercise addiction (I can’t deny that), but it makes me crazy. I don’t want to eat. I just want to look up photos on Tumblr of skinny ass girls and be them. I have become displeased again and nit pick at my myself. I begin to hate myself when I can’t run or work out.
The thing is, I don’t want to change my thought of not eating. I want to follow through. I’m afraid, however, it will lead me to the extreme again. I’m afraid I want to go to there.
It’s very difficult for me to explain this to other people. They look at me like I’m crazy. Like who can love running that much? I blurted something like this out to my guy friend and he of course said, “Why do you want to be skinny?” Why not?
I feel like I’m going back to my old ways and part of me wants to.
Currently, I’m not a happy camper. I miss home. I can’t run, can’t workout, I can’t do anything until I get picked up on Wednesday by unit.
Until I get an actual post typed up, I’m going to ask what do you do when you can’t run/work out? I’m going crazy. I’m sure I need the break since I haven’t taken one in forever (literally), but I’m so unhappy that I can’t run. I need advice, support, tips, anything to get me through this rough patch of the week. I obviously don’t want to lose fitness or gain weight.
FYI. I did get an iPhone so if any of you want to text, let me know.