Guilt

6 Apr

I have been experiencing guilt. Guilt from not running, guilt from eating, guilt from procrastinating, and guilt from feeling so darn guilty. I don’t even know if guilt is a symptom from a running injury. I have felt denial, acceptance, grief, and envy. Now I feel guilt that I cannot run. Fortunately, I can still get those good old endorphins with exercise, but obviously, it isn’t enough because I have been restricting what I eat. I am still working out about 90 minutes a day yet yesterday I felt as if I stuffed my face when in reality I had less than 700 calories with breakfast and lunch combined. I need to be gaining, not losing. Why do I think that just because I am not running I can’t eat my normal 2000+ calories a day? My body is just as hungry.

In the past week, I felt like I ate too much and I didn’t work out that intensely. Then I got on the scale. The scale only made me happy unconsciously when I saw the number so low. It is not a healthy number and I knew it, but it confirmed that I was something right. Wrong! I still need to gain weight and find balance in my lie. I should not be pleased with baggy jeans.

Exercise makes me happy though. It is not a chore. Sometimes eating, however, feels like a chore when I’m stuffed, but I know I haven’t eaten enough that day. Last night, I ate peanut butter, cottage cheese, ice cream, and an apple after dinner. Then, at ten, I was hungry again. It’s difficult for me to realize that I do a lot so I can eat. Again, it’s all about balance. The scale is ridiculous and so it my mindset. I may eat healthy, but the guilt I have from not running is unhealthy.

I need to remain optimistic that soon I can run. I just need a break. My foot needs to heal. I need to eat for my foot to heal.

Please not that I am never this dramatic, not even in real life. I am the most upbeat person you’ll meet, but I had to get this off my chest. I don’t want to feel guilty any longer. I just want to recover from this injury and return to the trails. If it takes another month, so be it. I need to relax. There will be more races and beautiful days in which I can run.

 

Is guilt apart of the whole injuryย symptoms/phases?

Enjoy the rest of the week! I promise a positive post tomorrow. I hate being a Debbie Downer.

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15 Responses to “Guilt”

  1. Tara April 6, 2011 at 7:20 PM #

    This post came at the perfect time. I was going to post about this today, but everytime I think about it I want to cry. I’ve only been out three days and I’m suffering from this guilt. I’m really trying hard to get away from it and use this time to gain weight that I’ll probably end up losing when I start running again (and therefore I won’t enter the unhealthy zone as fast). It’s so so so frustrating to be sidelined because it generates fear, guilt, and dare I say depression? I’ve been crying like I’m paid by the hour. But it really isn’t worth it. We need to get out of this unhealthy mindset and use the “forced rest” to our advantage so that we can be stronger, happier, and all around better runners (and people) later. Thank you so much for posting this so I know I’m not alone and also increasing my desire to fight this stupid guilt.

    • lifttorun April 6, 2011 at 7:34 PM #

      I could not agree more. Honestly, you said exactly what I was trying to say. Taking running away from a running stirs up so many emotions.

  2. AlisonM April 7, 2011 at 2:49 AM #

    Hey Christy — thanks for your comments. Sorry it’s taken me so long to respond, I don’t have a very good system for keeping track of this stuff, and I’ve been a bit distracted this last week with work and stuff.

    Anyway, I’m glad you found me, and it sounds like we could both do with more support through a phase of injury! I haven’t been back through your blog yet, so I don’t know what you’ve done, but I know you can’t run, and it’s causing you anxiety about exercise, food, weight.. I don’t think it’s at all uncommon to go through various different stages when it comes to injury, including worrying about food because of the decreased activity. You’re right to identify these kinds of attitudes as potential worries though. I don’t think guilt is ever a good emotion..

    I don’t really have any useful advice about how to overcome it, but writing here will probably help? Hopefully once I get more of a sense of what’s going on I can be a bit more supportive! Take care of yourself ๐Ÿ™‚

    • lifttorun April 7, 2011 at 7:42 AM #

      Thank you.
      Basically I think I had a slight/minor stress fracture in my foot, but it has been getting better.

  3. allieksmith April 7, 2011 at 4:02 AM #

    Hey girl, I hope you start to feel less guilty. I am so sorry about your injury and your struggle with eating and eating and feeling full. Keep on keeping on and in the end, all the eating will be so worth it when you are healed and fit your jeans perfectly โค

  4. logginnbloggin April 7, 2011 at 5:07 AM #

    hey girl- don’t feel guilty about feeling guilty!! you are experiencing something many people go through. lifes just in a rut and very frustrating for you it seems like- but stay positive, youd rather do the things necessary now to get things done and healed then for this injury to drag on longer!! as for the eating- maybe dont calorie count or anything, just eat to how you feel. and if somedays that means you dont eat as much, so be it. listen to your body let it tell you what you want. best of luck- you are awesome so i hope things cheer up ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. Hollie @ Lolzthatswim(andRun) April 7, 2011 at 5:24 AM #

    Girl I 100% understand. Being a two sport athlete, my body was compared to runners and it was compared to swimmers. Swimmers bodies are more dense and I as told in order to swim, I would have to put on about 10 pounds. It was the hardest thing of my life. EVER. It was hard to actually get the food in my mouth and just mentally. You will pull through!

  6. Amy @ countrystrong21 April 7, 2011 at 5:57 AM #

    Sounds like you’re going through a rough patch right now ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I know what it feels like to feel guilty about procrastination. I almost broke down last night because what I had to get done before going to bed seemed overwhelming until I came up with a plan. But I am a major procrastinator, I procrastinate on ending my procrastination! Anyways, I know it’s a tough time but letting out your feelings, on your blog or to someone in person, is a great way to handle it. You will get support and some words of wisdom that will make you feel better. We’re here for you!

  7. Alexandra April 7, 2011 at 7:55 AM #

    Hey girl,
    I’ve been there, too. It sucks. You feel like you should deprive yourself of nutrients because you can’t burn it. Guilt is just the stupid devil trying to take hold of your mind. Guilt is just plain cruel ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I’ve had many a breakdown due to stress and guilt. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel, don’t you worry! This is just a low point you WILL get through, take it one day at a time.
    Your body is healing. It needs all the excess calories it can get to build that runnin foot back up! I know it feels so good to vent! Just know, you have support, you can do it! You’ll be able to run again soon! Just think how great it’ll feel to enjoy it again! ๐Ÿ™‚

  8. movesnmunchies April 7, 2011 at 8:06 AM #

    i know what your feeling.. i used to feel guilt like that when i was in the depths of my ED… whats great is that you can still workout to get those endorphins, so u shudnt feel any guilt about that! your body needs fuel to heal and to LIVE- to function and pump blood to your heart.. u shudnt feel any guilt as your doing everything right! ๐Ÿ˜€

  9. krayolablue91 April 7, 2011 at 12:46 PM #

    Wow. I stumbled across your blog by chance (or click) and knowing someone is in the same place more or less eases it a bit. My right shin(I think it’s peroneal tendonitis) has been in pain for almost three weeks now. I’ve been running through it, but last Thursday and this last Tuesday I took the days off running, and it was emotionally agonizing. I get super depressed and anxious and can’t focus or concentrate. I’ve been down in my mood in general since it’s been hurting. It’s like (or at least I feel like) I need it to be able to function for the rest of the day. I don’t know how to eat if I don’t run- even if I exercise just as long..yeah..Let’s hope both of us heal up soon 8)

  10. julie April 7, 2011 at 5:50 PM #

    i think it’s good to just vent! so do it up its your blog and say what you need to say ๐Ÿ™‚ maybe you should have a scale burning ceremony this weekend and buy some chocolate ice cream, some girly movies and officially throw your scale out! that way you don’t even have the urge to weigh yourself!

  11. Lauren @ WWoB April 7, 2011 at 5:53 PM #

    Girl I really think you could benefit from talking to someone! Its perfectly okay. Everyone, really, could. It sounds like you have some disordered habits and thoughts that you need to tackle in order to achieve your happiest self. You deserve it.

  12. Jenny April 7, 2011 at 6:16 PM #

    “The scale only made me happy unconsciously when I saw the number so low.”
    This sentence hit nail on the head for me. When I started to bulk I went in knowing fully well that my intention was to gain weight and pack on muscle. I choose to gain weight, I wanted it..Or did I? Every lb made me happy on the outside but cringe on the inside. It’s a vicious cycle and I wish I could tell you that I was happy when I was at my heaviest bulking weight because I had more muscle than ever before but I wasn’t. I didn’t feel good in my own skin. It’s all about reaching that happy medium and I feel I’m there now. I’m not as thin as I was before but not exactly at my heaviest. I found comfort smack in the middle and would rather see how my clothes fit then step on the scale every day :)Don’t feel guilty, trust your body and remember to always nourish it ๐Ÿ˜›

  13. Nimbimicy April 10, 2011 at 3:17 PM #

    I understand this question. It is possible to discuss.
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