Struggling

26 Apr

Hello, hello.

I never wanted a blog that solely focused on my past eating disorder, how I’m still struggling, and how much I love running. Well, that’s a lie. My blog is mostly about how much I love running beyond reasons of just health.

For the most part, I want an upbeat blog,

but lately it’s difficult to do that when I’m struggling with my body image.

I hate every inch of my body.

I hate how much I eat.

I contemplate starving myself all the time.

I get angry when I can’t workout (running is a stress relief for me and I truly enjoy it.)

I hate the number on the scale and how it continues to increase.

I hate not being in full control of my schedule.

I know, woe is me, right? I have a better life than most people. I run fast. Hell. I just ran three miles yesterday in 18:29. It’s not my fastest, but I’m still working at it.

Honestly, I feel like I am back at where I started from with my eating and body image. I can’t eat a meal, regardless of what it is, without guilt. Anger, depression, guilt, unhappy, powerless.

It’s one thing to tell someone, “Hey, you need to eat. You run a lot, you work out a lot. You need fuel for your body! You have muscle.” I tell people that all the time, which marks me as the biggest hypocrite. I’d rather not eat.

Here’s what I usually eat in a day:

Breakfast: melon, grapes, one boiled egg, banana, apple, nuts, coffee, water
Lunch: salad, lots of veggies, a fruit, and cottage cheese with nuts/raisins
Dinner: White rice, veggies, tofu or shrimp (a lot of food)
Dessert: Maybe chocolate raisins or a diet soda

The scale is going up because of that? It baffles me and quite frankly scares me. Is it the copious amount of Chinese food? I don’t know.

Let me tell you this, I understand this is me complaining and whining. However, my disordered eating habits are back; just in a whole new way.

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15 Responses to “Struggling”

  1. Alexandra April 26, 2012 at 4:01 AM #

    I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling my friend 😦
    You’re going through a pretty hardcore transition in your life with being in the military– I would probably feel out of control and stressed out too. Just know I’m praying for you and cheering you on to beat this so you can live life to the fullest and enjoy every second. 🙂

  2. HollieisFueledByLOLZ April 26, 2012 at 8:14 AM #

    It saddens me to see you are struggling girl. But you are going through such a transition in your life. One of my favorite aspects of your blog is how open and honest you are. You will make it through. In all honesty, I can completely relate to those thoughts when I first started my blog. I was gaining weight and fast. I was regretting everything I hate. I was always hungry. Then slowly my body started to get used to it (randomly) and I lost all the weight I had gained and just kind of relaxed. Wishing you lots! I can’t wait to meet ya in a month!

  3. Lauren April 26, 2012 at 8:41 AM #

    It is sad to hear that you are struggling ): . I have been struggling with my restrictive ED too.

    Okay, so this is cheesy, but this helps me when I feel anxious about eating too much– The body is like a car. If you don’t fill it up (with nutrition), it can’t run! You are clearly a very strong person, you can make it through anything! You have already made it through the worst of the storm, it is all just a matter of making it out!

  4. Tara April 26, 2012 at 1:12 PM #

    Oh I know it all too well. With all the weight gain from being injured and struggling with depression and emotional eating, I have never hated my body more than I do right now. I refuse to do what I’ve done to myself in the past though because it’s illogical, unhealthy, and will make my mind even more screwed up than it already is. You’ve worked so hard, and you are one of the most fit people I’ve ever “met”. Life has ups and downs, and the downs suck so much. I hope this doesn’t last long for you, because I know how much it sucks and I hate to know that you’re feeling this way. Stay strong!

  5. Goober Nut's Life April 27, 2012 at 3:26 PM #

    You’re one of my role models (I’m 15 years old and going into high school next year), so it really makes me sad to see that you’re struggling! What I admire about you is your strength and determination, and I know that you can get through this rough patch in your life if you really try! 🙂

  6. Jena April 27, 2012 at 6:00 PM #

    I stumbled on your blog from a recipe for almond whey protein cookies from pinterest and came to check the rest of it out…. I’m sorry to hear you are having a hard time with your thoughts re food…. Honestly, it looks to me like you’re probably not eating enough to support your activity levels and really need to increase your protein, especially in your morning and evening meals. Throw in 5 egg whites with that one boiled egg;) I can guarantee you that you are NOT eating too much! You’re probably not eating enough, and not enough protein. Thank you for the wonderful recipe, and I really hope you don’t mind my two cents – I’ve been in the same place, and increasing my protein intake REALLY helped.

    • lifttorun April 28, 2012 at 6:38 AM #

      Thanks for the comment. I really appreciate it.

  7. sarah April 28, 2012 at 11:08 AM #

    Gah, I’m so sorry you’re struggling:(.I know there’s very little I can say to help you feel better though- only you can decide on your own happiness, especially when it comes to accepting your looks/body.

    Sorry but you are waaaaay underfuelling yourself- this is just not a good amount of food to support any active person- let alone an athlete like yourself who performs AMAZING workouts.
    Have you checked out In It To Win Its latest post?( The blog used to be called Healthy Bites Conquers Athletes appetite , written by Lizzie). She wrote a fab post on fuelling her workouts and how much to eat- I think you’d find it interesting:).

    Keep positive!
    Xxx

    • lifttorun April 29, 2012 at 4:07 AM #

      I’ll be sure to check it out.

  8. VanessaG April 28, 2012 at 6:31 PM #

    I just wanted to say that I totally understand how you feel regarding your thoughts/ feelings about your body/ weight gain. I must say “girly, you are strong and fast so it hasn’t slowed you down. Also, you are just as beautiful as ever!! I know you can conquer those ugly thoughts. We( your readers/fans) are here to listen and cheer you on. I’m going to say a special prayer for you tonight.

  9. Cassie May 1, 2012 at 7:51 AM #

    You don’t worry about that scale. As such an active person, you should eat whatever you feel like eating (nutritionally sound food anyway). How old are you? 19, right? Your body is just changing and your weight is going to change a bit, but if you are gaining muscle the scale will not tell you that. Do you drink protein shakes? Maybe that would help you! I drink this:
    http://www.amazon.com/Vega-Performance-PROTEIN-Vanilla-Flavour/dp/B0034LEYAE

    and I mix it with about a half cup of coconut milk and water, sometimes I drink two of them a day and it has improved my body image hugely. Plus, I can see the difference in muscle forming and my endurance while running.

    Keep your head up XO

  10. Emma May 22, 2012 at 2:31 PM #

    Hi, i know exactly how you feel! I work Out loads, Run 30 Miles a week, cycle almost everywhere and have still been gaining on 2000 calories a Day when the lowest intake i have Been recommended to maintain has been around 2500 calories( yeah, i know, Internet crap, but i’m sure you can relate, at least i Hope! My eating disorder has made me a google addict!) anyway, when to my doctor to get

    • Emma May 22, 2012 at 2:35 PM #

      Gaaah pressed stupid Button! So i had my doctor Check my thyroid because i had problems with it during the Bad phase of my ed and know what the symptoms are (fatigue, dry Skin, feeling totally crap mentally and physically etc.) and turns Out i have hashimoto-hypothyroidism..yaaaay..anyway, i have to Take hormones

      • Emma May 22, 2012 at 2:42 PM #

        Dont believe it, did it again 😀 so Sorry for the hugely Long Post i just thought you might be interested..so i have to take hormones from today on and just Hope this shit will stop its messing with my Life..so maybe get your thyroid checked you shouldnt have to deal with it! And for your thyroid, watch it with anything containing soya, it can cause Or worsen hypothyroidism!
        Emma

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