Long Time No See

5 May

Hiya.

Long time now talk, eh?

I apologize for never updating. But I’m here now and that is what matters, right?

Let me rewind a bit and tell you what’s been going on in my life…

Last Friday I had to attending a NASCAR event. Yes, NASCAR.

That’s that thing where cars go super fast and make a lot of left turns while people watch drunk. Mind you, I don’t drink, but NASCAR would make me start. I had to attend this NASCAR event because the Marine Corps… I don’t know. I guess NASCAR let us come for free if we just cleaned up the bleachers afterwards. I didn’t have a choice in going so I was cleaning up peanuts and beer until one in the morning then I went back Sunday morning on three hours of sleep to clean some more.

It was fun.

Note the sarcasm.

At least I got a burrito out of it.

Moving on.

I’ve been running daily…

My shirt reads: Running is a mental sport and we are all insane.

You know you are a runner when you buy shirts like that. You also know you are a runner when you are running on a treadmill for nine miles on three hours of sleep after cleaning a NASCAR event. I’m insane. I am aware of that fact.

This morning I got caught in the rain while running. I wanted to run fourteen miles, but I only made it to ten because in a blink of an eye it started down pouring. No joke. 

I decided to wait under a tree until it stopped raining, but I realized how stupid that idea was because I was still getting wet. 

I also saw the movie The Avengers…

And I got dressed in actual clothes…

The rest of the week I have been in classes and cooking out of the back of a HUMVEE. It’s not even considered cooking because we are basically just heating up food in a tray ration heater then serving it. I don’t mind though. It’s been exciting and I’m learning a lot. 

I haven’t been eating lunch because my options are limited. We don’t go to the chow hall since we are cooking meals ourselves and most of them contain meat. If I do eat something, it’s cereal for lunch or a Kashi bar.

Amazingly enough, I weighed myself, which just equals a downward spiral for me.

I weighed myself at the end of the day and I weighed 120. That’s at the end of the day too. Then, I weighed myself in the morning and I weighed 126. Does that make any sense? No.

Due to my insanity, I weighed myself after I ran ten miles and I weighed 120. It drives me nuts! I eat when I’m hungry and I have been eating more actually. I have been eating more carbs especially. I even bought some microwave food so I don’t have to order Chinese food every night. 

Today I ate…

Breakfast:

Lunch: PowerAde (I wasn’t hungry and I didn’t have time to eat.)

Dinner: Ruby Tuesday’s crab cake, zucchini, and onion rings

Dessert: Dairy Queen Blizzard

Snacks: peanut butter, Cheerios, nuts

For the most part, I eat when I’m hungry. Honestly, it’s a real struggle to eat without guilt. I count every calorie no matter what I eat. I don’t know what it is, but this whole number on the scale thing is getting to me again. I even got to the point where I don’t want to eat and I wish I was fully in my eating disorder mode like I was a year ago because then I know I could weigh 100 pounds and not eat. 

Since I know and understand the consequence of not eating, I eat.

I remember I said once that I would never wish an eating disorder on anyone and I still thing the same thought. Unfortunately, now I’m thinking I would wish an eating disorder on someone… that’s me

Champions do not become champions when they win the event, but in the hours, weeks, months and years they spend preparing for it. The victorious performance itself is merely the demonstration of their championship character.
— T. Alan Armstrong

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9 Responses to “Long Time No See”

  1. Alexandra May 6, 2012 at 7:06 AM #

    I love that quote at the end 🙂
    And yay for being able to run more often, I bet it feels great to get back into doing something you love!

  2. HollieisFueledByLOLZ May 6, 2012 at 9:16 AM #

    Ugh stupid internet deleted my post. Anyways-this is really hard for me to read because I know how miserable you are right now at training. I am glad you area running again though! I’ll probably be driving through Quanico around May 22nd (a tuesday!) would you be able to get lunch or dinner or something? It would legit make my life!

    • lifttorun May 6, 2012 at 11:36 AM #

      Maybe. I have to see how my schedule is because that’s the day before my graduation.

  3. Tara May 6, 2012 at 2:26 PM #

    I really hope things start to improve for you. I know what it’s like to wish that you were back in the middle of an eating disorder, but we both know better. It’s pointless and even more miserable. I’m glad you’re able to run though. I know when I’m not feeling great running is the thing I look forward to most!

  4. IHeartVegetables May 6, 2012 at 6:50 PM #

    I struggle with just eating too. I’m always mentally counting things in my head! It’s become a habit and it’s honestly really hard to break it. Having a boyfriend who couldn’t care LESS about nutrition has actually been really helpful! He’s taught me to just relax when I eat!

  5. Lauren May 6, 2012 at 8:33 PM #

    All of that stuff looks delicious! Have you tried Justin’s peanut butter cups? Soo effing good.

    I wish things were getting better ): I am struggling too, so you aren’t alone. Every time the ED voice starts, I make a two column list of how my life was with an ED and how it is without it. Life without it always wins (: . You can do this!

  6. lizzyj1305 May 7, 2012 at 11:57 AM #

    Hi! thanks for the sweet comment on my blog!
    I cannot believe you are in the Marine corps, you are amazing!!
    YAY for more running…I truly hope that you see how awesomely FIT you are and how good you are at running so that you can block those unwanted thoughts from your mind! food=fuel, not the enemy
    I hope you have a great week!

  7. Kristin May 10, 2012 at 11:38 AM #

    Hey! I’ve been a reader for a long time but am just now commenting. I completely relate to your feelings about wishing you were back in your E.D.—just try to remember that those feelings are coming from the E.D. and that you must continue to ignore them in order to fully be free from the E.D. voice. I think E.D.s tell us right when we are on the brink of being free so that we hold on to them. You are so strong, both mentally and physically, and I know you will get through this tough time. Keep holding on!

  8. teabagginit May 10, 2012 at 5:49 PM #

    yup, i definitely know how you feel. i’ve been there where you wish that you were back because it doesn’t seem so bad. but just like a bad relationship, you have to remember the bad times so you don’t make drunk dials at one a.m.! remember that you’re so much stronger than that stupid e.d. and b*tch slap it straight in the face!

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