Vent Blah Blah

18 Jun

Hi.

That’s all I have to say. 

I have a rather serious post I want to enclose. So much for my happy news, right? I’ll just give away my whole life story while I’m at it.

Well, here it goes…

The main reason I started running is because I was severly depressed. In high school, my uncle committed suicide, my grandmother died, my dog died, I wasn’t getting along with my mother, and high school was a difficult transition for me. I attempted the S word three times. I even wrote a notes about it. That’s how my mom found out. In the summer she got me involved with kickboxing. Of course I loved it. I am a born athlete. I love exercise. However, I was still depressed and not as happy. 

The next summer I was alone. I was about to be a senior in high school and all my friends who were older than me already graduated. That’s when I started running. That’s when I felt free, I loved life, and I could think. I didn’t even time myself in the beginning. I just ran until I stopped thinking or I felt better about the day. Yes, that evenutally led into an eating disorder, but that isn’t the point. I ran to free myself from depression. It actually makes me cry when  I think about it.  I love running that much. 

Since arriving in Japan, I got the chance to run three times. Three times, man. I would have gone to the gym when I got off of work at six PM (after being up since three AM), but they won’t let me because of a damn typhoon. It’s not even here! And the gym is next to my barracks. I hate it. 

Not being able to run makes me extremely depressed. Some may call it an exercise addiction (I can’t deny that), but it makes me crazy. I don’t want to eat. I just want to look up photos on Tumblr of skinny ass girls and be them. I have become displeased again and nit pick at my myself. I begin to hate myself when I can’t run or work out. 

The thing is, I don’t want to change my thought of not eating. I want to follow through. I’m afraid, however, it will lead me to the extreme again. I’m afraid I want to go to there.

It’s very difficult for me to explain this to other people. They look at me like I’m crazy. Like who can love running that much? I blurted something like this out to my guy friend and he of course said, “Why do you want to be skinny?” Why not?

I feel like I’m going back to my old ways and part of me wants to. 

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10 Responses to “Vent Blah Blah”

  1. HollieisFueledByLOLZ June 18, 2012 at 4:51 AM #

    I will keep you in thoughts girl. I hope you are able to resume a normal exercise plan once your actual duty stuff is in full force. In these sorts of situations, I *try* and remind myself that it is only for a short period and I’ll be back to a normal schedule soon.

    Plus you know you can chat with me whenever. 🙂

  2. Alexandra June 18, 2012 at 5:51 AM #

    Like Hollie said, I’ll be praying for you my friend– I can’t imagine how had it must be not to be able to do something you love so much. Running is like your therapy and passion all mixed into one. I know you can make it through this and not revert back to your old ways– you’re a strong gal and I believe in you! If you ever need to talk, feel free, I’m always here! 🙂

  3. keepmoving4wd June 18, 2012 at 9:02 AM #

    I can relate to your feelings, I am similar, until a few things that happened last yr that changed my ways of thinking. May be run on the spot haha sorry… have no idea, although sadly I have done that! 😀 Try to stay strong, I’m sure you will be back running in no time, and you wont get fat. And haha WHY NOT, that reminds me of the movie ‘We bought a ZOO’.. 😀

  4. hippierunner June 18, 2012 at 9:33 AM #

    Hang in there Christy! This is just a small moment in the whole span of your life- things will get better. Stay healthy, people care about you! I know it’s hard but it’s worth it. Be good to your body, it does so much for you<- that's what I always try to remember.

  5. IHeartVegetables June 18, 2012 at 9:54 AM #

    Hang in there, girl! I’m praying for you! I know it’s hard to see past the feelings you’ve got right now, but it will get better!

  6. Lauren June 18, 2012 at 4:21 PM #

    Christy, you are the strongest girl I know! I know you can pull through this (: I will be thinking about you. Stay strong

  7. KatsHealthCorner June 18, 2012 at 5:16 PM #

    I know you can do this. 🙂

  8. Erin June 21, 2012 at 3:22 PM #

    I just wanted to say that I hope things get better for you. I believe you can stay strong and not give in to old habits. I don’t know you very well (I’ve only been reading your blog for a few weeks) but it makes me sad to think of you becoming ill again. Obviously your thoughts are taking you that way, but you can fight them. You’re seriously an amazing runner.

    I know what helps me won’t necessarily help you, but I usually think of my eating disorder as the antagonist to my running. I think to myself: I love running and I love being thin. But between the two, which will bring me more happiness? Which will make my life better 20 years from now? Which will be a productive interest and connect me with other people who love the same thing? The answer to all those is running. If I can only choose between being the reclusive, anxious weakling my eating disorder makes me, or the strong, successful athlete that my running makes me, I choose running. Every time.

  9. Devon June 24, 2012 at 6:20 AM #

    I hope so much that you can get through this period of time without reverting back to your eating disorder. I’m with you on feeling like running is kind of like a savior to you…but I think the fact that when you CAN’T work out you want to go back to your eating disorder speaks volumes. I completely understand how hard it is to not give in when you can’t run or work out…but that’s a part of recovery girl! You need to realize that not running and still eating normally isn’t going to make you gain weight or make you “fat”. Running 10+ miles every day to feel okay with eating or to not feel incredibly depressed isn’t healthy, as healthy as it may seem…it’s just not. You need to take this opportunity to truly fight your ED head on! Also, think about what’s going to happen when you CAN run, yet you’re in your ED and running on empty…it’s not going to be fun, I can tell you that much! I just wish you could see that running isn’t always the healthiest thing for you…if you could go on with your days and not want to go back to your ED without running, than I would agree with your feelings on running, but you do want to go back to your ED–that’s a huge warning sign that running is more than just a passion. It’s an addiction that directly fuels your ED. I really hope this doesn’t make you angry or upset…I just feel like you need a little “wake up call”. I can’t just sit here and say “I hope you get through this” because eating disorders are lethal and absolutely destructive. I would never tell someone with a different addiction to just hang in there until they can go back to another, less, but still destructive habit because it’s still just as bad. Just please do your best to keep fighting. Going back to your ED is more than just a straight path to being skinny, and you and I both know that ❤

  10. Goober Nut's Life June 28, 2012 at 12:26 PM #

    Okay, to be honest, I read this post when you first published it and I didnt know what to say, so I didn’t comment..

    But now I realized that all I can say to you is that I might not completely get what you’re going through, but I’ll be here to support you no matter what– just like everyone who reads your blog! We care about you so much and it hurts to see you struggle like this, but we love you just as you are, with/without the problems. You don’t need to change because you’re perfect the way you are and no matter what, you’ll never lose our love and respect! So please take care of yourself so that you can always be nothing but the best version of yourself– Happy, strong, carefree, fun-loving, and confident! 🙂

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