Getting Down With my Bad Self

18 Jul

I am so very angry with myself. 

I ate onion rings todayand bread pudding yesterday. 

So disappointed in myself. Why, Christy? Why have you did you ruin your streak of not eating like a total fatty?

What did I do to undo my bad self and lock myself back up, throwing away the key? 



Continuing eating massive salads and going to the gym. Today I did 45 minutes on the stair climber in the morning and evening plus seven minutes on the treadmill. Yesterday consisted of spin class, the elliptical, and weights. 

No running yet. I woke up this morning and couldn’t walk. My quad hurt so badly. I definitely think I pulled something. I know the difference between being sore and holy shiz, this hurts. Currently, I have a frozen vegan chicken bag on my leg. I’ll sleep with a heating pad on tonight. 

By not running and taking it easier, all I do is want to run! So, when I feel better, I’ll just run outside in this humidity and think nothing of it because I’ll be happy that I’m running again.

Makes sense, right? 

Anyway, back to me feeling sorry for myself because I ate badly two days in a row. 

I went crazy and vowed to eat only a few select food items. I went crazier and ordered kale chips, Vega chai vanilla protein powder, and wheatgrass powder. Cost me 60 bucks. Imagine if there was a Whole Foods in Japan? I would be broke. 

As it is I only live off of peanut butter, oatmeal, cereal, salads, fruit, and soy milk. Onion rings and bread pudding (my favorite dessert) do not make an entrance in that round up. Go home, onion rings. You don’t belong here.

I did learn something about myself, I need at least one sweet/junk food a week otherwise I will binge eat on whatever junk food I want when I get a taste.

I don’t know what happened to me. I use to be so gosh darn disciplined. Then again, that was called an eating disorder. However, it wasn’t that terrible once you think about it.

I ran all the time in whatever weather. I ran in Arizona under hot conditions and in Oregon when it was storming. Didn’t care one bit. I didn’t dare touch a cookie or fried food. I didn’t even eat carbs. Hell no if bread touched my lips. Well, I still don’t eat bread slices or anything like that, but I didn’t even eat cereal. 

I want to go back to that. I will go back to that. No sweets, junk food, and running in a billion degree weather with a billion percent humidity. 

How pissed off am I at myself? Extremely. Not eating those things in over a week made me feel good. My body felt good! Now I feel like a slob and I just want some wheatgrass juice that may make me gag, but I would drink it anyway.

Detox? Sure. Those eight onion rings and bread pudding probably killed my insides. (I’m exaggerating.) 

Questions for you:

– What do you do after screwing up your eating healthy streak?
– Any favorite health food items new on the market I need to know about? I’m lost in Japan.
– Random: What are your favorite work out songs right now?


6 Responses to “Getting Down With my Bad Self”

  1. HollieisFueledByLOLZ July 18, 2012 at 8:19 AM #

    I’ve been listening to Chris Brown a lot lately.

    I’m worried for your quad. I hope it’s not ripped or anything. Can you go to a doctor?

  2. resiliencesc July 18, 2012 at 9:41 AM #

    Tough love time…

    You’re training like an asshole teenager. I know that comes off as rude, but its true.

    You have a quad injury that instead of taking it easy on, you’re doing work on the treadmill AND the stair stepper (which is even more stressful on quads than running…). If it’s truly hurting you need to be doing recovery work (walking at MOST) and controlling the damage you’ve done already with proper icing and massage.

    If you’re seriously about being part of the Marine Corps Marathon Team, YOU have to make the conscious decision to stop training like a high school “athlete” and start training like a serious athlete.

    Go to medical, get a chit for your leg…hell ask them if you can just take 2 weeks of light duty with a few trips to the physical therapist. 9 times out of 10 they’d rather you be proactive about it now and give you the chit and therapy rather than you keep screwing it up more and then have to have surgery and be out for MONTHS.

    Contact the Marathon team and ask them for workout advice for Oki, I guarantee you one of them has been stationed there and has a ton of tips for you for dealing with the heat.

    Another big thing you need to do is decide what you really want right now.

    Do you want to be a thin little girl or a competitive Marine athlete?

    I understand you have issues with food and want to be waifish like Miley Cyrus…and that’s all fine and dandy IF you’re just some random woman on the street.

    But you’re not.

    You’re a Marine.

    You’re a future Marine Corps Marathon runner.




    Eat more, research training (beyond google), make SMART decisions about training and food, and set goals.

    Right now YOU are your biggest obstacle to becoming the athlete you want to be.

    • lifttorun July 18, 2012 at 12:58 PM #

      Best comment I have ever received. Definitely makes me think. And it’s all true.

  3. Devon July 18, 2012 at 2:51 PM #

    It kills me to think that being in your eating disorder wasn’t “that bad”. It could take your life. I hate coming off as rude or preachy, but when you sound this far gone, it’s the only option. You have goals for yourself. You LOVE running. Do you think your body is going to continue to be able to do all that you love to do when you’re as sickly thin as your ED wants you to be? Just because you could before doesn’t necessarily mean you can again. Bodies are willing to do anything they can to survive and I’m positive your body has figured out all your tricks by now. When I was fully in my ED before recovery, nothing could stop me. I could run as much as I want, eat as little as I want, go on the elliptical whenever I wanted. I just kept going and going and going. I’ve had small relapses and my body does NOT let me do what I used to do. I love running and I know that I can’t continue to have that love in my life if I damage my body. I agree with everything the above commenter said about overtraining yourself too. You’re still doing more than most people do when they’re NOT injured. Even people that love to run and be active! You’re just going to hurt yourself further and your body will not be able to repair any damage you do to it if you’re starving yourself. Like I said, you have huge goals for yourself related to running and the marine corps. That takes guts and courage and so much strength to stick to both things through good and bad. But you can’t be successful either way if you give up. Saying your eating disorder wasn’t “that bad” is 100% your ED talking, trying to convince you that it’s okay to go back. It’s not. I’m so sorry if this upset or offended you in any way…I just know that, personally, I need a slap in the face when I’m being an idiot by thinking going back to my ED would give me everything I want.

  4. softcrab July 19, 2012 at 3:53 PM #

    When I have a bad day, I don’t beat myself up. I recognize that we all need an occassional slip day, that’s why we slip! When I slip, I go right back to staying on track until the next time.. One thing I do is If I want to eat a cookie or some candy, I have to do 25 pushups nonstop and drink a bottle of water before I allow myself to indulge. This usually changes my mind but not always.

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