Okay. Where do I even start? So much has happened since I last talked to you guys. A lot.
I’m trying so much to get back on the bandwagon guys. To be fit, lean, healthy, and a total BAMF!
I haven’t ran in a while. Since last Friday and that was tough.
In general, I haven’t ran continuously since December. I’m sorry!
I barely work out anymore. No motivation to whatsoever. Tonight I started crying though because I was looking at old photos of myself and how skinny I was. I want that back.
I have been seeing a counselor because that whole eating disorder is always in the back of mind and it affects everything. I get so stressed out at work, I don’t eat, I worry too much, I get really overwhelmed, I don’t eat again, and it’s never ending. It’s good in a sense because I was eating really badly and I do need to be thin again.
I started eating meat again and I hate myself for it. I just ate badly in general. I would never eat hot Cheetos yet I was buying them all the time? What the hell is wrong with me?
I hate myself for smoking cigarettes! Onion rings, fries, burgers, chicken nuggets, pizza, meat lovers, extra cheese, Ramen, cookies. I would do like a continuous binge and then beat myself up over it.
I think I just finally gave into my really old ways. Yeah, I would workout, but now I stopped. Mostly because I am way too tired because I don’t sleep, eat that much, and I’m just stressed. I get home from a long day at work and just want to sleep. I sleep all day on Sunday sometimes. (I did lose five pounds.)
The counselor said I was depressed, which does explain why I have no motivation for anything and no self esteem.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m okay and I have a huge social life.
I would rather be alone. Like I use to be. By myself, running whenever, going to sleep whenever, and just doing what I want.
Balance is the key word here. It really is. But back home I barely had any friends and I was great! Skinny, ran all the time, did what I wanted, and had a good time being with my own company. There is nothing wrong with it.
Truthfully, I want to be my own person again. If that means being the tattoo loving, coffee lover, crazy runner girl, dresses in all black, hipster person, then so be it! I want that back!
I can still be the nicest girl in these barracks as well as the weirdest (I got like three people in one day to say I’m weird)
I can still drink on a Saturday night.
Nonetheless, my main point is I’m going back to my old ways. No more skipping workouts and sleeping in. Time to put myself first, be happy for who I really am, and not get involved with so many friends who does do shit.
Trust me, I will have more posts about what’s going on with myself and the absurd funk that I am.
What do you want to know from me? What do you want me to tell you about what’s going on? Just ask. I totally want to answer.
I’M SO HAPPY TO BE BACK, GUYS. I REALLY AM. PLEASE ACCEPT MY WEIRDNESS ONCE MORE.