Tag Archives: japan

Depression + Sun Burns

24 Jul

Depression is a silly thing. I mean, it’s not funny like ha ha, but it really doesn’t make any sense.

I was diagnosed with chronic depression in August of 2013, after I was admitted to the hospital… after an attempt at the big S word. I honestly don’t like talking about it, but I want to help others who are in the same boat as me. I’m the go-to person in my barracks/unit/section for handling personal issues because I have been through a lot in the past few years. Sexual assaults, eating disorder, abuse (physically and verbally), and a few others I’m not going to mention. I feel like it’s my duty to help others and give them a voice. You aren’t alone. Remember that.

Depression slowly crept up on me. It was about a year and half ago when I stopped running. You guys probably noticed I stopped blogging on here. The ludicrous fact is I love running! Running is not only my passion and hobby, but running always kept me sane and happy.

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On top of that, it kept me healthy and in great shape. After my sexual assault, running gradually came to a halt because I was immensely unhappy. I know it doesn’t make sense. If running makes me so joyful, why stop? Well, when you’re depressed, you literally stop doing everything you love to do. You stop hanging around the same people, you stop eating, maybe you eat more, maybe you change your entire wardrobe, or you stop going out. My motivation for everything and anything went out the window. Then, even when I tried to run, it was awful. I couldn’t feel the desire anymore. I just had a constant lack of interest in everything. There were days when I wouldn’t eat and I wouldn’t leave my room. There were days when I stayed in my bed without a shower and drank a bottle of liquor. I surrounded myself with the wrong group of friends who partied all the time. Yes, I thought I was having a good time, but I felt so empty. I did a lot of just plain stupid things and dated a lot of unpleasant people. Trial and error I suppose. However, I think I was trying to find happiness, but I was looking in all the wrong places.

Depression isn’t something you can snap out of. I don’t know how many times I was told to just go run or get out of my room. It isn’t that easy. Depression doesn’t make any sense. It takes away what you love.  Despite taking medication (I went through a lot), my mood was never 100%. It always seemed to be negative 100%.

It took me a very, very long time to even being to feel myself again. I began to push myself when I started to feel even a bit of spark inside of me. You know how I said trial and error in the above paragraph? Well, I realized that to fully recover from depression you have to look inside yourself. You have to depend on yourself and put yourself first. You cannot depend on others to make you happy. I was called self-centered by a lot of my ‘friends’ and the majority of them ditched me. I began isolating myself, not because of misery, but I needed to find positivity again and that wasn’t surrounding myself with negative people who only partied. To be happy, you have to put yourself first and screw the rest.

Now, I feel like I’m in a good place. I’m better. I’m not where I was two years ago or even three years ago, but I know I’ll be better when I’m back home.

My primary point of this post is to let anyone know who is struggling with depression, sadness, emotions, assault, trauma, etc., that you are not alone! Also, I am always here for anyone who needs to vent. My e-mail is on my blog so you can always contact me with issues. I will never ignore a person and I’ll try my best to be there.

Secondly, when I was running this morning, I was thinking about how depression controlled me for so long and it is ridiculous!

This past week I was super sun burnt that I could not put on a sports bra without crying.

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It was absolutely dreadful. Sleeping was painful. With that, I decided running was not happening unfortunately. Every day I would wake up at around 5 AM with the intention on running, but I was in such pain from the sunburn. It’s disgusting really. I read horror stories online of people passing out while working out because they were so burnt. I was so scared of making my sun burn worse.

Not running for almost a week left me heartbroken. I was not happy at all! It made me think when I was on the treadmill, that a year ago I was so unhappy and running didn’t help increase my mood at all. Now, I’m dying to run every day otherwise my mood is crappy. Funny how life works!

By the way, the beach party I had last Friday was super fun! I spent my whole day in the ocean, which explains why I’m so sun burnt. 

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I may have gotten a little tipsy.

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Well, I apologize for the long, dramatic post. I hope all of you are doing great and had a wonderful week! It’s Friday for me so I’ll be spending my weekend running. I’m so excited! I’m a loser, I know.

Overdue WIAW

8 Aug

Hi!

I haven’t done one of these in forever. I might I as well though. I have about three and half hours left of my duty job (out of 24 hours). I have gotten 3.5 hours of sleep too.

So. Exhausted. So. Smelly. Need. Shower.

But I’m still going to knock one of of these out…

If I was back home in the states, my summer staples would include ice cream, fro yo, roasted veggies, fish, tofu, and lots of meals eaten out.

Sadly, I’m here. In Japan.

If I want to eat out, my options are wait until the weekend or order Pizza Hut, Popeye’s, Taco Bell, Subway, Burger King, or Baskin Robbins. I already eat enough pizza as it is and I don’t really care for the rest.

I get salads daily, which is the positive aspect of living here and working in the chow hall. However, whatever the chow hall is serving that day, I don’t eat it unless it’s vegetables. I just eat my own snacks. It makes me laugh actually. No one thinks I eat, but I do so here it goes



As you can see, I eat a lot of snacky foods. I like eating a lot of little things throughout the day and just eating a big breakfast then later on a big dinner. My dinner is usually breakfast again. Funny how that is.

On a new note…

I only revisited some of my goals. I was thinking about this:

  • Limit pizza intake because I love pizza too much.
  • Only sweets on weekend, not during the week, and they must be ‘worth’ it. Then, I can buy myself some clothes that I want.
  • Go to sleep by 9 PM. I normally do for the most part. My problem is that I sleep with my phone by my ear and every time I receive a text message, I text back, delaying my sleep.
  • Continue eating no fried foods even after August 15th

I’m sure I have more, but it’s 4 Am and I’m so tired. I can also smell myself, which is nasty. On top of that, I can hear someone snoring from their room. Must be nice to sleep.

Well, enjoy your Wednesday. Tell everyone what you ate  verbatim so no one is disappointed. 

Typhoon Party

6 Aug

I’ll just start off by saying Monday was a terrible day for me. I woke up so motivated to run, but the day before (Sunday, in case you forgot) was so stormy. Apparently, there was a typhoon comping our way.

 

I woke up Monday morning at 4:30 AM to just to get to the gym by 5 AM. I went downstairs in my barracks and I couldn’t go. It was so windy, rainy, and whatever else could take away Dorthy’s house in the Wizard of Oz.

I died inside. I was so ready for a run.

The rest of the day was just down hill from there. Let’s just say my new sweets challenge is extended another day. Or two…

Let me rewind to the weekend because I really don’t want to be a Debbie Downer here.

Saturday

I ran 10.90 miles on the treadmill. Imagine that!

 

Thanks to the Olympics, good music, and my love for running, I can handle the treadmill. I can’t handle when guys tell me the other guys have been talking about me. Apparently, I dress to provocatively and wear short-shorts. Umm, it’s called running clothes. How come females always get hit on what they wear and they put themselves ‘out there’? There are guys at the gym who wear shorter shorts than me! I’m not kidding. Screw them. I dress to be comfortable when I run and to not drown in my own sweat. I don’t dress to look cute. My motto is that by the end of my workout, I should look ugly as hell. By the way, I am literally the only female at the gym the majority of the time so of course I’m going to look damn good.

Did you know they try to regulate women grunting while playing tennis? I guess it’s offensive and freaks out the men. Get over it.

Anyway, I spent the rest of my day grocery shopping with my roommate.

It’s crazy how we get along so well. She’s more of a lifter and I’m more a cardio queen. We both love bananas and have like three tubs of protein powder. We even went to bootcamp together!

I bought the usual of Greek yogurt, Puffins cereal, Kashi waffles, nuts, baby food, and Naked drinks.

In addition, I got my eyebrows waxed. I took a mirror photo just to prove it so none of you would think I’m a liar.

 

You all know I got my tattoo later that night and I scheduled an appointment for next week to get another.

Saturday night I went out with my two best guy friends. I may or may not have consumed an alcoholic beverage. Just one. I don’t see the appeal of drinking so I don’t really do it. It’s pointless to me.

Random transition, but here it goes. I hang out with guys. My roommate is my only girl friend and we don’t even hang out that much. The problem with hanging out with guys is they get use to you and begin talking to you like you are one of their guy friends. I was “fat” and a “butterface” all in one night. Way to hit a girl’s self esteem.

Moving on.

Sunday

I ran another ten miles and didn’t really do anything else.

It was raining out all day and at night it began to storm badly. Lightning, wind, and all that good stuff. That was my hint to order pizza.

 

Well, that was my weekend, but I have some more honorable eats to share!

Can it be Friday already?

Hair Talk

24 Jul

I don’t think I ever showed you what I look like after only running 17 miles at 5:30 AM in the morning outside here in Japan…

 

This was a while back, but you get the point about how humid it is here?! How can I possibly run in this?

I actually want to run outside (if my quad would stop being a bitch), but I don’t know how to deal with this heat and humidity. I love running too much to run on a damn treadmill. Now about my quad…

I’m icing it and I sleep with a heading pad. It’s feeling better although in the morning it feels the worst. I haven’t ran on it at all in a few weeks. I only do the stair climber, which doesn’t hurt.

I also have had a sudden motivation to weight lift. I have been doing full body workouts. If you got any good ones, hit me up.

 

Of course I would rather run ten miles, but I’ll take weight lifting too. I want some abs of steel. Please and thank you, ab god. If there is such a thing. I don’t know.

Well, let me talk about my weekend!

As you all know, I went out on Friday to a hookah bar (so overrated) and hung out until midnight. On Saturday night, I went out with the one guy I really, really, really like.

 

We saw Spiderman. Oh my gosh!

 

It was super good. A little long, but overall it was a good movie. Cute Spiderman too. Can’t lie.

Then, on Sunday and I went grocery shopping and got my hair cut. I haven’t cut my hair this short since the third grade. No joke.

Ever since my eating disorder began, my hair thinned out completely. I use to have super thick hair.

 

It was long and gorgeous.

Then, I stopped eating and ignoring nutrients that my body – as well as my hair – needed. I worked out too much, didn’t eat well, and my hair would come out in clumps. I didn’t think anything of it because, well, the scale was under 100 pounds. I loved my hair and I ruined it by wanting my rib cage to show.

 

As you can tell, my hair is thin at the end. Frankly, it was dead and dry. I trimmed my hair still, but it was so thin still at the end that it didn’t grow properly anymore.

Finally, I had enough of my thin hair. It did not look that pretty so I cut it. It’s like medium length now. I’ll get a picture up later.

Now I eat better and take biotin.

But it goes to show you, eat! Get the proper nutrients your body needs. I didn’t eat and I lost all my beautiful locks. You may be your ‘goal‘ weight, but how pretty are you when your hair is thinner than thread?

Worried about your hair not growing out to it’s potential? Eat these foods for healthy hair:

1. Salmon – the omega 3’s help your scalp
2. Green vegetables – vitamins A and C
3. Beans – protein, zinc, biotin
4. Nuts – zinc (prevent hair shedding)
5. Poultry – iron, protein
6. Eggs – Biotin and B-12
7. Whole Grains – vitamin filled!
8. Oysters – Zinc
9. Low fat dairy products – Calcium, which improves hair growth
10. Carrots – vitamin A

Good stuff, right?

 

Getting Down With my Bad Self

18 Jul

I am so very angry with myself. 

I ate onion rings todayand bread pudding yesterday. 

So disappointed in myself. Why, Christy? Why have you did you ruin your streak of not eating like a total fatty?

What did I do to undo my bad self and lock myself back up, throwing away the key? 

 

 

Continuing eating massive salads and going to the gym. Today I did 45 minutes on the stair climber in the morning and evening plus seven minutes on the treadmill. Yesterday consisted of spin class, the elliptical, and weights. 

No running yet. I woke up this morning and couldn’t walk. My quad hurt so badly. I definitely think I pulled something. I know the difference between being sore and holy shiz, this hurts. Currently, I have a frozen vegan chicken bag on my leg. I’ll sleep with a heating pad on tonight. 

By not running and taking it easier, all I do is want to run! So, when I feel better, I’ll just run outside in this humidity and think nothing of it because I’ll be happy that I’m running again.

Makes sense, right? 

Anyway, back to me feeling sorry for myself because I ate badly two days in a row. 

I went crazy and vowed to eat only a few select food items. I went crazier and ordered kale chips, Vega chai vanilla protein powder, and wheatgrass powder. Cost me 60 bucks. Imagine if there was a Whole Foods in Japan? I would be broke. 

As it is I only live off of peanut butter, oatmeal, cereal, salads, fruit, and soy milk. Onion rings and bread pudding (my favorite dessert) do not make an entrance in that round up. Go home, onion rings. You don’t belong here.

I did learn something about myself, I need at least one sweet/junk food a week otherwise I will binge eat on whatever junk food I want when I get a taste.

I don’t know what happened to me. I use to be so gosh darn disciplined. Then again, that was called an eating disorder. However, it wasn’t that terrible once you think about it.

I ran all the time in whatever weather. I ran in Arizona under hot conditions and in Oregon when it was storming. Didn’t care one bit. I didn’t dare touch a cookie or fried food. I didn’t even eat carbs. Hell no if bread touched my lips. Well, I still don’t eat bread slices or anything like that, but I didn’t even eat cereal. 

I want to go back to that. I will go back to that. No sweets, junk food, and running in a billion degree weather with a billion percent humidity. 

How pissed off am I at myself? Extremely. Not eating those things in over a week made me feel good. My body felt good! Now I feel like a slob and I just want some wheatgrass juice that may make me gag, but I would drink it anyway.

Detox? Sure. Those eight onion rings and bread pudding probably killed my insides. (I’m exaggerating.) 

Questions for you:

– What do you do after screwing up your eating healthy streak?
– Any favorite health food items new on the market I need to know about? I’m lost in Japan.
– Random: What are your favorite work out songs right now?

Recap

16 Jul

My quads hurt still.

It’s been over a week now. I did run on Saturday night, but I couldn’t on Sunday morning. Luckily, I want to be on the stair climber so it’s all good. But why the hell am I not getting better?

So, let me give you a rundown of my weekend…

Saturday:

I volunteered at the Marine Corps thrift shop for five hours. I found these classy shirts…

I also discovered a Hannah Montana bookbag and was so tempted to buy it. I didn’t. I decided I was too old for it and what would I do with it? UH, SO MUCH, CHRISTY. DUH.

From there, since I was already on the main base that had a grocery store, I picked up a few items and grabbed something to eat since I didn’t eat lunch besides...

And a small bag of chips that was like one-hundred calories.

I didn’t buy any more peanut butter because I think I’m set for a lifetime. Or a week. I don’t know which.

I was absolutely starving after my volunteer work! They didn’t give me a break to get food and I forgot to bring my protein bars. All that time I sat around in my room, I could have packed food. 

When I got back home, I worked out. I ran on the treadmill with my sore, dumb, lazy quads. 

I have never been sore for so long. I don’t know what’s wrong.

While running, I had the biggest headache and I didn’t even want to run. My legs hate me so much. I hate them. I hate that I can’t run outside without being drenched in sweat due to the sticky weather.

Sunday:

I woke up and worked out. Oh yeah. Major loser over here!

I had a nice little set up, didn’t I? Too bad it only lasted for eleven minutes because of my damn legs. From there I just spent my time on the stairclimber and did some lifting for thirty minutes.

The rest of the day I went shopping and I went to Starbucks. I got a green tea frap. 

Like I said before, the Starbucks here in Japan is so much better than the states. It’s like Heaven on Earth and I want to live there.

That Sunday night though I ate so much! Like, I don’t know if I can categorize it as a binge, but it was damn close. I didn’t really eat all day so when I do eat, I can’t stop. I wait though. I drink a full bottle of water then decide if I’m still hungry and I usually am. It’s irritating.

I don’t think I gained any weight though.

This is from July 1st:

And this is July 15th:

Quality!

I don’t know. I feel leaner… ?

I have been lifting (not running, wahhhh) and killing time on the stair climber, which makes me go through two sets of clothes.

I am suppose to be training for a damn marathon and I haven’t started! By the way, what’s a good training plan I can follow for a marathon? Let me know.

Anyway, I felt like I had a lot more to say, but I can’t recall so I’m sure I’ll post something tomorrow. Until then, carry on with life.