Top 5

Howdy! 

I apologize for not blogging in like the past week or two. Sometimes I’m really lazy and I feel like I’m boring since I don’t do anything ever.

I only take a lot of selfies just to prove to people that I’m having fun on the weekend, I swear!

 

Don’t worry. I have more excuses to throw at you on why I don’t blog regularly. 

Excuse #1: I’ve been running every day! Monday through Friday I wake up at 5 AM to run. The only downside to that is I go to bed at, like, 7:30 because I am now a grandma again and quite frankly, I love it! Going to bed early is my favorite thing to do. I lie in bed around 6 PM and watch Nicole Richie’s show. I inspire to be her. My hair will be purple once I’m out of the military.

Anyway, since I go to bed early, wake up early, and work all day, blogging just falls to the back burner. You guys aren’t missing out on my life. I eat Subway every day and watch the same movies on repeat.  

 Excuse #2: I’m out of excuses.

However, since we haven’t talked in a while and I haven’t been stalking your blogs, here are the top 5 greatest things that happened to me in the past week:

1. I am down 21 pounds! I definitely don’t think I look like a lost weight and I still feel obese despite people telling me I look skinnier. Now this week, the scale has not moved at all. So, being the person I am, I research running and losing weight. There are a billion and one sites saying you cannot lose weight and run a lot. What are your views on this? I did it before. Granted, I wasn’t really eating, but I was running and losing weight. How come so many runners are in shape and (most likely) skinny? So, you’re telling me I can’t lose weight and run a lot despite every weight loss success story in fitness magazines? I’m so confused. Thoughts? I’m also confused as to why the scale fluctuates from 5-10 pounds. Driving me nuts.
2. I’m up to 8 miles now! On Saturday I ran 8 miles in an hour and then I just continued with that on Sunday. 
3. I am also getting faster! My speed has increased a lot from when I first starting running a few weeks ago. Eventually I’ll be running my 6 minute miles. Eventually.
4. I am so hyper all the time! Yes, I am exhausted the majority of the work day, but my mood has improved. Running has made me happy, but I feel like I’m back to myself of being extremely weird with my co-workers. I know I’m back to my happy go lucky self when my buddy tells me to shut up.
5. I can fit in some clothes I have not worn in months! Not only that, I’m not so self-conscious about wearing shorts. It’s extremely hot in Okinawa. A few months ago, it was about 100% humidity, but I refused to wear anything besides black skinny jeans with a black shirt. I was dressing in all black and the sun would make me sweat when I was just standing outside. It was ridiculous of me. The other day I wore shorts that showed off my thighs. Yeah, I don’t have a thigh gap, but at least my thighs are slimmer where I feel a bit more comfortable.

So, there you have it! My weekend consisted of me telling myself I should blog, but instead I ran and ate Subway all day long. I wish I was kidding. 

I’m trying to say I just ate too much Subway, but I’m still hungry.

Now it’s Monday and it has been such a terrible day for me! So terrible that I’m going to bed at 5 PM because I’m emotional and panic attacks make me sleepy.

But I love you guys! I apologize for being the worst blogger ever. Do I at least get an award for that?

Depression + Sun Burns

Depression is a silly thing. I mean, it’s not funny like ha ha, but it really doesn’t make any sense.

I was diagnosed with chronic depression in August of 2013, after I was admitted to the hospital… after an attempt at the big S word. I honestly don’t like talking about it, but I want to help others who are in the same boat as me. I’m the go-to person in my barracks/unit/section for handling personal issues because I have been through a lot in the past few years. Sexual assaults, eating disorder, abuse (physically and verbally), and a few others I’m not going to mention. I feel like it’s my duty to help others and give them a voice. You aren’t alone. Remember that.

Depression slowly crept up on me. It was about a year and half ago when I stopped running. You guys probably noticed I stopped blogging on here. The ludicrous fact is I love running! Running is not only my passion and hobby, but running always kept me sane and happy.

On top of that, it kept me healthy and in great shape. After my sexual assault, running gradually came to a halt because I was immensely unhappy. I know it doesn’t make sense. If running makes me so joyful, why stop? Well, when you’re depressed, you literally stop doing everything you love to do. You stop hanging around the same people, you stop eating, maybe you eat more, maybe you change your entire wardrobe, or you stop going out. My motivation for everything and anything went out the window. Then, even when I tried to run, it was awful. I couldn’t feel the desire anymore. I just had a constant lack of interest in everything. There were days when I wouldn’t eat and I wouldn’t leave my room. There were days when I stayed in my bed without a shower and drank a bottle of liquor. I surrounded myself with the wrong group of friends who partied all the time. Yes, I thought I was having a good time, but I felt so empty. I did a lot of just plain stupid things and dated a lot of unpleasant people. Trial and error I suppose. However, I think I was trying to find happiness, but I was looking in all the wrong places.

Depression isn’t something you can snap out of. I don’t know how many times I was told to just go run or get out of my room. It isn’t that easy. Depression doesn’t make any sense. It takes away what you love.  Despite taking medication (I went through a lot), my mood was never 100%. It always seemed to be negative 100%.

It took me a very, very long time to even being to feel myself again. I began to push myself when I started to feel even a bit of spark inside of me. You know how I said trial and error in the above paragraph? Well, I realized that to fully recover from depression you have to look inside yourself. You have to depend on yourself and put yourself first. You cannot depend on others to make you happy. I was called self-centered by a lot of my ‘friends’ and the majority of them ditched me. I began isolating myself, not because of misery, but I needed to find positivity again and that wasn’t surrounding myself with negative people who only partied. To be happy, you have to put yourself first and screw the rest.

Now, I feel like I’m in a good place. I’m better. I’m not where I was two years ago or even three years ago, but I know I’ll be better when I’m back home.

My primary point of this post is to let anyone know who is struggling with depression, sadness, emotions, assault, trauma, etc., that you are not alone! Also, I am always here for anyone who needs to vent. My e-mail is on my blog so you can always contact me with issues. I will never ignore a person and I’ll try my best to be there.

Secondly, when I was running this morning, I was thinking about how depression controlled me for so long and it is ridiculous!

This past week I was super sun burnt that I could not put on a sports bra without crying.

It was absolutely dreadful. Sleeping was painful. With that, I decided running was not happening unfortunately. Every day I would wake up at around 5 AM with the intention on running, but I was in such pain from the sunburn. It’s disgusting really. I read horror stories online of people passing out while working out because they were so burnt. I was so scared of making my sun burn worse.

Not running for almost a week left me heartbroken. I was not happy at all! It made me think when I was on the treadmill, that a year ago I was so unhappy and running didn’t help increase my mood at all. Now, I’m dying to run every day otherwise my mood is crappy. Funny how life works!

By the way, the beach party I had last Friday was super fun! I spent my whole day in the ocean, which explains why I’m so sun burnt. 

I may have gotten a little tipsy.

Well, I apologize for the long, dramatic post. I hope all of you are doing great and had a wonderful week! It’s Friday for me so I’ll be spending my weekend running. I’m so excited! I’m a loser, I know.

Back to Normal

Howdy!

I say howdy a lot. I’m not from the south or anything. I just like making people feel uncomfortable.

Well, I hope you all are doing fantastic! Pretty sure the weekend is so close. My Friday is tomorrow and I’m going to the beach. Mandatory fun day for everyone in my unit. So, what that means for me is, I’m going to bring a book and go chill out in the sun away from everyone.

I just want my peace and quiet… and my liquor.

Yes, I drink occasionally. Yes, I like it. Y’all should be proud of me. I use to drink daily and on days I didn’t work, drinking started at 7 AM. That is until I got help and went to AA. I really don’t like admitting that, but it’s what helped me realize that my drinking was a vice.

It’s incredible how months ago drinking daily, all day until I fell asleep was normal for me. Now, it’s normal for me to rarely even touch alcohol and I love that! I’m proud of myself. I came such a long way.

It’s okay to be proud of yourself for how far you’ve came! 

My week has been going really well though. 

Let’s see… I last talked to you guys Saturday. My Saturday was spent alone. I got dinner alone and everything.

It was so good! I haven’t had pasta or bread in awhile so I ate it right up!

I stayed up super late on Saturday because I’m a night owl so I got bored and obviously that happened (see photo above). Major dork, I know.

Another realization I had! Several weeks ago it was normal for me to be partying it up all night with a group of people. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be playing beer pong every night, yet it was normal for me. Now, normal for me is in bed by 10 PM on a Saturday and away from everyone else. I forgot how much I love being alone. 

Sunday: I ran 6.5 miles or so then spent the rest of my day in my room! Honestly, I don’t do much.

I am seriously the most boring person ever. I don’t have many friends and I rarely leave my room anymore unless it’s for work or food.

Monday through Thursday just flew by. 

I ran everyday as well as did spin class twice!

Wednesday was quite busy. I woke up to run (another 6+ miles), I did spin class at lunch, and yoga right afterwards. I was starving! By the end of the day, I realized I had nothing but a protein bar.

Quest Bars are the bomb.com though. Just sayin’.

I know, I worked out hardcore on Wednesday and my body is still not use to it, but I was angry when I couldn’t work out today! I have been up since 4 AM working and now that it’s finally about 7 PM, I’m tired. I am exhausted! I wanted to run today. I hate that I was finally getting a routine going on of twice a day workouts, yet now my routine has to change due to work again. I just want a regular 9 – 5 job. I can’t wait to be out of the military and I can have freedom. A car would be nice as well. I feel like a child once again.

I won’t complain. I’ll save that for another post.

Anyway, tomorrow I have a super good HIIT workout planned for 5:30 AM before the beach so hopefully I feel normal again. It’s odd how my normal a few weeks ago was me sleeping all day and never exercising. Now, my normal is work my ass off (literally). Running has always been my passion. Its the love of my life. I gave it up for a long, extended amount of time. Nonetheless, running came back into my life so smoothly and non effortlessly. My legs may not agree, but my mind does.

I cannot wait to run tomorrow! My legs are ready… somewhat.

Have a great rest of the week! 

And remember…

I Lost _____ Pounds!

Hello my darlings! 

I have some really, really good news, but first let me know tell ya what’s been going on in my life for the past week or two. 

Sit back, get some iced tea, and enjoy.

1) I stuck to my promise and I am obviously updating again! I’m trying to get back in this whole blogging routine, which is difficult. I love it though. I have so many great ideas for you.

2) I ran 6 miles on Monday! Tuesday and Wednesday were disappointing because there was a typhoon and really terrible weather so I couldn’t leave my room. Thursday I did some circuit training that involved running outside in the heat. Okay. I know this sounds crazy, but I get crazy anxiety when I run outside in the heat. Does anyone else feel like that? I start feeling like I’m trapped by four walls and I  can’t get out. 

Which reminds me… STORY TIME! 

I actually passed out like a few weeks ago when running outside. It was around 8 AM in the morning here in Japan and it was already like 98% humidity. I’m running and I kept taking breaks because I was seeing stars (not like celebrities unfortunately) and my arms were tingling. Well, that’s when the panic struck. I already have a history of panic/anxiety attacks so I knew what was happening. That’s when I flipped out and just passed out in the grass. Luckily, someone was driving by and got me to the hospital. I wasn’t dehydrated or anything. I was just panicky. 

Anyway, where was I?

Oh yes! Friday was more circuit training! 

It involved running, mountain climbers, water jug carries, tire flips, push ups, lunges, and some core work. It was a killer 40 minute workout! It left my whole body sore today. Like my butt and thighs are jello. Can I just not move for the rest of my life?

3) I ran another 6+ miles today! 

 

I was sweating bullets at the end of it! By the way, who made the rule that you can’t read magazines while working out? That is actually, in fact, a stupid rule. First of all, I don’t even read half the pages unless the font is like gigantic. Secondly, I only look at the pictures because reading is for nerds. I don’t see the difference in watching trashy reality shows while working out versus reading Self magazine. 

3) I AM DOWN 14 LBS! I lost another 3 lbs this week and I’m so proud of myself. 

In addition, someone left a comment about me not eating enough calories while trying to lose weight. I would like to mention, in my defense, I take three types of medication for anxiety and depression. They leave with no appetite on some days (it varies). It’s not like I’m purposely starving myself. I understand that will totally mess up my metabolism and actually not help in the long run. I just wanted to point that out. I mean, I’d rather have my anxiety under control than have a raging appetite. 

Regardless, I eat. I love food. I’ve been aiming for 300-500 less calories everyday. I’ve been tracking my calories as well to make sure I’m not going crazy under what I should be eating. 

I am craving fries like a mothertrucker.

Well, now it’s Saturday for me. I have officially no plans and I normally don’t have plans for the weekend. I don’t have friends per say. I’ll probably go get some Subway and a Gatorade after I put some pants on. I mean…. I’m totally wearing pants right now. 

I promise I have pants on. 

However, I hope you guys have a fantastic weekend. Any plans? Any long runs?

Love you all! I’m so glad to be back. 

For Realz

How many times I have I said I’m coming back and going to update regularly? I know, it’s really too much for me to count as well.

Well, I’m truly honest this time around. You know why?

I ACTUALLY STARTED RUNNING AGAIN!

Seven days a week. No, you did not read that wrong. I am running seven days a week. 

However, after not working out in over a year (I know, right?) I am extremely slow and I sweat like a pig after five minutes. The funny thing is, I love every minute of it! Sweating is just like my thing, ya know?

I really am going to start updating more frequently and by more frequently, I mean every other day. I have a lot post topics in mind like motivation, getting back into running, depression, etc. If you any recommendations, let me know. I’m always open to knowing what you guys are interested in.

Truly, I am excited. I have not been this happy in a long time. It’s great to feel great! 

In addition, my blog is going to be focused on weight loss for a while. This is due to the fact that I have gained a lot of weight and I am focusing on losing all my unhealthy pounds.

So, with that information in my mind, let’s begin with this….

My goal as of now is to lose around 30-40 pounds for my ‘happy’ weight or as a I call it: I’m content here. My current weight now is (I’m so scared to post this right now. I want to cry.)…

I weight 182 lbs.

My 1st goal weight is: 130

To be honest, I have been doing fairly well with losing two pounds per week. It’s due to my vegan lifestyle and actually running miles everyday. I really hope you guys don’t think badly of me for being overweight.

Anyway, I will update more when I know what you guys want to know about what’s been going on my life! As of now, I’m just going to do a fitness survey….

Size: 5.
Age: 21.
Height: 5.3 (on a good day)
Current Weight: 182.
Highest Weight: 189.
Lowest Weight: 84 lbs.
Goal Weight: 115 or lower.
Favorite Binge Food: I don’t binge. Not anymore!
Favorite Exercise: Running forever and always.
What Makes You Slip Up?: Self doubt, anxiety, and mistakes.
What Makes You Strong?: Myself!
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day?: 1,000 as of now.
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror?: Oh gosh. Hell on feet.
Are You In A Relationship?: Hell no.
Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends?: What friends?
Ever Been To A Psychologist?: Yes.
I AM –
[ ] anorexic
[ ] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[ x] hungry
[] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[ ] eating something
[ ] under 100lbs
[ ] starving myself
[ ] participating in a fast
[x ] vegan
[x] losing weight healthily
PEOPLE –
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[ ] call me fat
[] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[ ] wish I’d eat more
[x ] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic
[ ] have tried to stop me

I LOVE –
[ ] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[ ] shaking
[ ] being weak
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic (really? who loves this shit?)
[x ] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[ ] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself
I HATE –
[x ] when people stare
[ ] being asked questions
[ ] having to eat
[ ] being single
[x] wearing short skirts x
[ ] looking ugly
[x ] feeling this way
[ ] fat people
I NEED –
[x ] more support
[ ] people to stay out of my business
[ ] more friends
[ x] someone to know
[ ] less food
[x ] more water
[ ] a gym membership
[x ] to lose 50 lbs
[ x] to lose 30 lbs
[ x] to lose 20 lbs
[x ] to lose 10lbs
1.Favorite time to workout? Early morning.

2. Favorite place to workout? Outside except here in Japan because I hate the humidity.

3. Favorite workout shirt: Don’t really have one. Probably my trail half marathon shirts.

4. Favorite workout shorts: Any Nike shorts.

5. Favorite song to listen to while working out: Anything with a fast, good beat.

6. Weights exercise you like most: Lunges.

7. Favorite post workout snack: Probably anything to do with peanut butter.

8. How do you get to your place of working out? Run. Duh.

9. Would you workout if you didn’t have to inorder to stay fit and healthy? I love running so no.

10. Favorite thing to do to pass time during cardio: Think.

11. How many times per week do you exercise? Going for 7.

12. Do you work alone or with a partner? Alone. Forever.

13. Any embarrassing moments while running or at the gym? Anxiety attacks.

14. Water or sports drink? Water!

15. Favorite thing about working out? Being done and feeling accomplishment.

---

 

I miss you all so much! If y’all have questions or anything, let me know. I love you all and thanks for always being there for me.

-christy-

I Don’t Know How to Start Over

I know! I haven’t been on here in such a long time and I want to get everything back together how it was on this blog because I do miss all of you!

I guess I will fill you in on my life….

I’m doing a lot better emotionally. The things that have happened in my past while being here in Japan have shaped my life in ways I could never imagine. I reported my sexual assaults (last time we talked and I never told anyone) and began talking about my situations more to learn to accept it is what happened to me. It is not my fault! It took me a very long time to realize that and during the process, I really beat myself up over it. I would use alcohol as a coping device or a pair of scissors. It is not easy. I constantly had people telling me to get over it like it was so simple to erase it from my mind. It killed me on the inside. I did not socialize with anyone for the longest time. I gave up on everyone around me; including myself. Although it is not easy to say this, but I did attempt suicide. However, I am doing a lot better now and trying my best to focus on myself. What scares me the most is that I won’t get back to my old ways. By my ‘old ways’ I mean the fact that I was extremely healthy physically as well as emotionally. I don’t know how to start over or even where to begin.

The only thing I do know is that I want to better than what I was before and to push myself to my happiness because I deserve 100% happiness. Only I can change how I am feeling… no one else. 

Which brings me to two questions: How do I start over? Where do I begin? 

The reason why I coming back to this blog is to start over. I want to have my progress in front of me as I physically get fit again for my own mental state. What always made me happy was how I dedicated myself to my body and mind. I didn’t let anyone else stand in between it. I want to be that person again. This blog will keep me on the right track because I know I have all of you to support and encourage me. That’s all I ask for really. 

That really is my main explanation in coming back. I just want your support! 

I missed you all! I really did. I’m glad to be back and in full gear. 

 

 

Lost

I feel so lost. I feel like a follower and I don’t know what to do.

I’ve stopped running, working out, and doing what I love. I’ve lost all motivation.

It’s difficult to say what’s going on. I’m seriously depressed. I’m being so blunt and I apologize for it, but I’ve never shared this on the blog before. 1) I cut. 2) I starve and binge and I try to purge 3) I have been sexually assaulted twice months and months ago; just never shared it here.  4) I smoke 5) I drink

I don’t know what to do. I do see a therapist, but I just want my love for running to come back! I have a feeling once I get back to the states where I belong, I will get back into my old ways. Here, I am exhausted all the time. Literally all the time. I still read your blogs, but I feel like such a fake that I don’t want to write on my mine. Instead I write poetry.

I’m lost, guys.

yourzdealer.tumblr.com

Where to begin?

Okay. Where do I even start? So much has happened since I last talked to you guys. A lot.

Let’s see…

I’m trying so much to get back on the bandwagon guys. To be fit, lean, healthy, and a total BAMF!

I haven’t ran in a while. Since last Friday and that was tough.

In general, I haven’t ran continuously since December. I’m sorry!

I barely work out anymore. No motivation to whatsoever. Tonight I started crying though because I was looking at old photos of myself and how skinny I was. I want that back.

I have been seeing a counselor because that whole eating disorder is always in the back of mind and it affects everything. I get so stressed out at work, I don’t eat, I worry too much, I get really overwhelmed, I don’t eat again, and it’s never ending. It’s good in a sense because I was eating really badly and I do need to be thin again.

I started eating meat again and I hate myself for it. I just ate badly in general. I would never eat hot Cheetos yet I was buying them all the time? What the hell is wrong with me? I hate myself for smoking cigarettes! Onion rings, fries, burgers, chicken nuggets, pizza, meat lovers, extra cheese, Ramen, cookies. I would do like a continuous binge and then beat myself up over it.

I think I just finally gave into my really old ways. Yeah, I would workout, but now I stopped. Mostly because I am way too tired because I don’t sleep, eat that much, and I’m just stressed. I get home from a long day at work and just want to sleep. I sleep all day on Sunday sometimes. (I did lose five pounds.)

The counselor said I was depressed, which does explain why I have no motivation for anything and no self esteem.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m okay and I have a huge social life.

I would rather be alone. Like I use to be. By myself, running whenever, going to sleep whenever, and just doing what I want.

Balance is the key word here. It really is. But back home I barely had any friends and I was great! Skinny, ran all the time, did what I wanted, and had a good time being with my own company. There is nothing wrong with it.

Truthfully, I want to be my own person again. If that means being the tattoo loving, coffee lover, crazy runner girl, dresses in all black, hipster person, then so be it! I want that back!

I can still be the nicest girl in these barracks as well as the weirdest (I got like three people in one day to say I’m weird)

I can still drink on a Saturday night.

Nonetheless, my main point is I’m going back to my old ways. No more skipping workouts and sleeping in. Time to put myself first, be happy for who I really am, and not get involved with so many friends who does do shit.

Trust me, I will have more posts about what’s going on with myself and the absurd funk that I am.

What do you want to know from me? What do you want me to tell you about what’s going on? Just ask. I totally want to answer.

 

 

 

 

 

I’M SO HAPPY TO BE BACK, GUYS. I REALLY AM. PLEASE ACCEPT MY WEIRDNESS ONCE MORE.

I Want to Come Back

Hello all of you! I miss you all so much. I miss blogging a lot and I am genuinely thinking of coming back.

I have had so much stuff happen in my life lately and I’m slipping. Slipping a lot. If I come back, I’m doing it for the reason of letting everything in my head go and just blogging about what is going on. Whadya say?