Depression is a silly thing. I mean, it’s not funny like ha ha, but it really doesn’t make any sense.
I was diagnosed with chronic depression in August of 2013, after I was admitted to the hospital… after an attempt at the big S word. I honestly don’t like talking about it, but I want to help others who are in the same boat as me. I’m the go-to person in my barracks/unit/section for handling personal issues because I have been through a lot in the past few years. Sexual assaults, eating disorder, abuse (physically and verbally), and a few others I’m not going to mention. I feel like it’s my duty to help others and give them a voice. You aren’t alone. Remember that.
Depression slowly crept up on me. It was about a year and half ago when I stopped running. You guys probably noticed I stopped blogging on here. The ludicrous fact is I love running! Running is not only my passion and hobby, but running always kept me sane and happy.
On top of that, it kept me healthy and in great shape. After my sexual assault, running gradually came to a halt because I was immensely unhappy. I know it doesn’t make sense. If running makes me so joyful, why stop? Well, when you’re depressed, you literally stop doing everything you love to do. You stop hanging around the same people, you stop eating, maybe you eat more, maybe you change your entire wardrobe, or you stop going out. My motivation for everything and anything went out the window. Then, even when I tried to run, it was awful. I couldn’t feel the desire anymore. I just had a constant lack of interest in everything. There were days when I wouldn’t eat and I wouldn’t leave my room. There were days when I stayed in my bed without a shower and drank a bottle of liquor. I surrounded myself with the wrong group of friends who partied all the time. Yes, I thought I was having a good time, but I felt so empty. I did a lot of just plain stupid things and dated a lot of unpleasant people. Trial and error I suppose. However, I think I was trying to find happiness, but I was looking in all the wrong places.
Depression isn’t something you can snap out of. I don’t know how many times I was told to just go run or get out of my room. It isn’t that easy. Depression doesn’t make any sense. It takes away what you love. Despite taking medication (I went through a lot), my mood was never 100%. It always seemed to be negative 100%.
It took me a very, very long time to even being to feel myself again. I began to push myself when I started to feel even a bit of spark inside of me. You know how I said trial and error in the above paragraph? Well, I realized that to fully recover from depression you have to look inside yourself. You have to depend on yourself and put yourself first. You cannot depend on others to make you happy. I was called self-centered by a lot of my ‘friends’ and the majority of them ditched me. I began isolating myself, not because of misery, but I needed to find positivity again and that wasn’t surrounding myself with negative people who only partied. To be happy, you have to put yourself first and screw the rest.
Now, I feel like I’m in a good place. I’m better. I’m not where I was two years ago or even three years ago, but I know I’ll be better when I’m back home.My primary point of this post is to let anyone know who is struggling with depression, sadness, emotions, assault, trauma, etc., that you are not alone! Also, I am always here for anyone who needs to vent. My e-mail is on my blog so you can always contact me with issues. I will never ignore a person and I’ll try my best to be there.
Secondly, when I was running this morning, I was thinking about how depression controlled me for so long and it is ridiculous!
This past week I was super sun burnt that I could not put on a sports bra without crying.
It was absolutely dreadful. Sleeping was painful. With that, I decided running was not happening unfortunately. Every day I would wake up at around 5 AM with the intention on running, but I was in such pain from the sunburn. It’s disgusting really. I read horror stories online of people passing out while working out because they were so burnt. I was so scared of making my sun burn worse.
Not running for almost a week left me heartbroken. I was not happy at all! It made me think when I was on the treadmill, that a year ago I was so unhappy and running didn’t help increase my mood at all. Now, I’m dying to run every day otherwise my mood is crappy. Funny how life works!
By the way, the beach party I had last Friday was super fun! I spent my whole day in the ocean, which explains why I’m so sun burnt.
I may have gotten a little tipsy.
Well, I apologize for the long, dramatic post. I hope all of you are doing great and had a wonderful week! It’s Friday for me so I’ll be spending my weekend running. I’m so excited! I’m a loser, I know.