I Don’t Know How to Start Over

18 Feb

I know! I haven’t been on here in such a long time and I want to get everything back together how it was on this blog because I do miss all of you!

I guess I will fill you in on my life….

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I’m doing a lot better emotionally. The things that have happened in my past while being here in Japan have shaped my life in ways I could never imagine. I reported my sexual assaults (last time we talked and I never told anyone) and began talking about my situations more to learn to accept it is what happened to me. It is not my fault! It took me a very long time to realize that and during the process, I really beat myself up over it. I would use alcohol as a coping device or a pair of scissors. It is not easy. I constantly had people telling me to get over it like it was so simple to erase it from my mind. It killed me on the inside. I did not socialize with anyone for the longest time. I gave up on everyone around me; including myself. Although it is not easy to say this, but I did attempt suicide. However, I am doing a lot better now and trying my best to focus on myself. What scares me the most is that I won’t get back to my old ways. By my ‘old ways’ I mean the fact that I was extremely healthy physically as well as emotionally. I don’t know how to start over or even where to begin.

The only thing I do know is that I want to better than what I was before and to push myself to my happiness because I deserve 100% happiness. Only I can change how I am feeling… no one else. 

Which brings me to two questions: How do I start over? Where do I begin? 

The reason why I coming back to this blog is to start over. I want to have my progress in front of me as I physically get fit again for my own mental state. What always made me happy was how I dedicated myself to my body and mind. I didn’t let anyone else stand in between it. I want to be that person again. This blog will keep me on the right track because I know I have all of you to support and encourage me. That’s all I ask for really. 

That really is my main explanation in coming back. I just want your support! 

I missed you all! I really did. I’m glad to be back and in full gear. 

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Lost

19 Jun

I feel so lost. I feel like a follower and I don’t know what to do.

I’ve stopped running, working out, and doing what I love. I’ve lost all motivation.

It’s difficult to say what’s going on. I’m seriously depressed. I’m being so blunt and I apologize for it, but I’ve never shared this on the blog before. 1) I cut. 2) I starve and binge and I try to purge 3) I have been sexually assaulted twice months and months ago; just never shared it here.  4) I smoke 5) I drink

I don’t know what to do. I do see a therapist, but I just want my love for running to come back! I have a feeling once I get back to the states where I belong, I will get back into my old ways. Here, I am exhausted all the time. Literally all the time. I still read your blogs, but I feel like such a fake that I don’t want to write on my mine. Instead I write poetry.

I’m lost, guys.

28 Apr

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Where to begin?

19 Apr

Okay. Where do I even start? So much has happened since I last talked to you guys. A lot.

Let’s see…

I’m trying so much to get back on the bandwagon guys. To be fit, lean, healthy, and a total BAMF!

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I haven’t ran in a while. Since last Friday and that was tough.

In general, I haven’t ran continuously since December. I’m sorry!

I barely work out anymore. No motivation to whatsoever. Tonight I started crying though because I was looking at old photos of myself and how skinny I was. I want that back.

I have been seeing a counselor because that whole eating disorder is always in the back of mind and it affects everything. I get so stressed out at work, I don’t eat, I worry too much, I get really overwhelmed, I don’t eat again, and it’s never ending. It’s good in a sense because I was eating really badly and I do need to be thin again.

I started eating meat again and I hate myself for it. I just ate badly in general. I would never eat hot Cheetos yet I was buying them all the time? What the hell is wrong with me? I hate myself for smoking cigarettes! Onion rings, fries, burgers, chicken nuggets, pizza, meat lovers, extra cheese, Ramen, cookies. I would do like a continuous binge and then beat myself up over it.

I think I just finally gave into my really old ways. Yeah, I would workout, but now I stopped. Mostly because I am way too tired because I don’t sleep, eat that much, and I’m just stressed. I get home from a long day at work and just want to sleep. I sleep all day on Sunday sometimes. (I did lose five pounds.)

The counselor said I was depressed, which does explain why I have no motivation for anything and no self esteem.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m okay and I have a huge social life.

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I would rather be alone. Like I use to be. By myself, running whenever, going to sleep whenever, and just doing what I want.

Balance is the key word here. It really is. But back home I barely had any friends and I was great! Skinny, ran all the time, did what I wanted, and had a good time being with my own company. There is nothing wrong with it.

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Truthfully, I want to be my own person again. If that means being the tattoo loving, coffee lover, crazy runner girl, dresses in all black, hipster person, then so be it! I want that back!

I can still be the nicest girl in these barracks as well as the weirdest (I got like three people in one day to say I’m weird)

I can still drink on a Saturday night.

Nonetheless, my main point is I’m going back to my old ways. No more skipping workouts and sleeping in. Time to put myself first, be happy for who I really am, and not get involved with so many friends who does do shit.

Trust me, I will have more posts about what’s going on with myself and the absurd funk that I am.

What do you want to know from me? What do you want me to tell you about what’s going on? Just ask. I totally want to answer.

 

 

 

 

 

I’M SO HAPPY TO BE BACK, GUYS. I REALLY AM. PLEASE ACCEPT MY WEIRDNESS ONCE MORE.

I Want to Come Back

27 Mar

Hello all of you! I miss you all so much. I miss blogging a lot and I am genuinely thinking of coming back.

I have had so much stuff happen in my life lately and I’m slipping. Slipping a lot. If I come back, I’m doing it for the reason of letting everything in my head go and just blogging about what is going on. Whadya say?

BRB

6 Oct

Sorry I never came back. I’m taking a huge blogging break due to being busy, not having any motivation to write, and a lot of things have been happening. If you still want to keep in contact, e-mail me and we can text.

Take care. Be back soon!

Uh No

25 Aug

Just letting you all know my Internet is down and has been for a week. I apologize for not being here. I have so much to say too.

Take care all.

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